I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
will no longer be able
to serve the Southern United States area on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain
areas of Ohio and West Virginia. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good
hands with my local
replacement, my third cousin from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few
differences between us, such as:
There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents
from Bubba Claus. He
has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave an RC
cola and pork rinds on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He
does dip a little snuff, though, so please have an empty coke can handy.
Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin'
coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I loaned him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's head now rests
over Bubba's fireplace.
You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen
..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
"Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also
are likely to hear
Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!"
As required by the local highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh
does have a decal
depicting "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip character Calvin relieving himself
... but not on a Ford or Chevy logo. His decal shows Calvin going wee wee on
the Tooth Fairy.
The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your area. Instead, you'll see
"Ernest Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you,
I'd turn the other way when
he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including
Elvis' "Here Comes
Santa Claus" and Bing Crosby's of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." Until
this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio
stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt's
"Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas
Is Shania Twain"; David Allan Coe's "Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me";
and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My