Aviation Humor

There is something I would like to add to this page, but will need you help, "Common Terms". Now I'm not talking about the those you find in the book, but the ones that are used everyday in reference to a particular  situation. Here is a example of what I'm talking about: 

"Short circuit between the headset" - Used by maintenance personal, when the pilot writes up a problem that doesn't exist. 

Please remember this is a kid safe site! There is always a suitable substitute for certain words. 

If you have one to add or another piece of aviation humor, just e-mail it! 

At the bottom of this page is a section for other sites that offer Aviation Humor. 

Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet. 

Rough landings  (From Jeff) 

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt." 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

XYZ Airlines Flight Attendant: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at XYZ we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down." 

Overheard on an XYZ Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 

Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at XYZ . Next time I'll try to lose your luggage." 

Student pilot to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! You need to get off my back, man!"

Yes sir, I found the problem, but can't fix it.
Why not?
It was a short circuit between the headset.

From a disgruntled XYZ Airline Flight Attendant... 

"Welcome aboard XYZ Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, no body loves you, or your money, more than XYZ Airlines."